In spite of all the enforced physical and mental primitiveness of the
life in a concentration camp, it was possible for spiritual life to
deepen. Sensitive people who were used to a rich intellectual life
may have suffered much pain (they were often of a delicate
constitution), but the damage to their inner selves was less. They
were able to retreat from their terrible surroundings to a life of
inner riches and spiritual freedom. Only in this way can one explain
the apparent paradox that some prisoners of a less hardy make-up
often seemed to survive camp life better than did those of a robust
nature. In order to make myself clear, I am forced to fall back on
personal experience. Let me tell what happened on those early
mornings when we had to march to our work site.
There
were shouted commands: “Detachment, forward march! Left-2-3-4!
Left-2-3-4! Left-2-3-4! Left-2-3-4! First man about, left and
left and left and left! Caps off!” These words sound in my
ears even now. At the order “Caps off!” we passed the
gate of the camp, and searchlights were trained upon us. Whoever did
not march smartly got a kick. And worse off was the man who, because
of the cold, had pulled his cap back over his ears before permission
was given.
We
stumbled on in the darkness, over big stones and through large
puddles, along the one road leading from the camp. The accompanying
guards kept shouting at us and driving us with the butts of their
rifles. Anyone with very sore feet supported himself on his
neighbor’s arm. Hardly a word was spoken; the icy wind did not
encourage talk. Hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar, the man
marching next to me whispered suddenly: “If our wives could
see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don’t
know what is happening to us.
That
brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for
miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again,
dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both
knew: each of us was thinking of our wife. Occasionally I looked at
the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the
morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my
mind clung to my wife’s image, imaging it with an uncanny
acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and
encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than
the sun which was beginning to rise.
A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth
as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final
wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth—that love is the
ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I
grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and
human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is
through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing
left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief
moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter
desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when
his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the
right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can,
through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved,
achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life, I was able to
understand the meaning of the words, “The angles are lost in
perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”
In
front of me a man stumbled and those following him fell on top of
him. The guard rushed over and used his whip on them all. Thus my
thoughts were interrupted for a few minutes. But soon my soul found
its way back from the prisoner’s existence to another world,
and I resumed talk with my loved one: I asked her questions, and she
answered; she questioned me in return, and I answered.
Stop!”
We had arrived at our work site. Everybody rushed into the dark hut
in the hope of getting a fairly decent tool. Each prisoner got a
spade or a pickaxe.
Can’t
you hurry up, you pigs?” Soon we had resumed the previous
day’s positions in the ditch. The frozen ground cracked under
the point of the pickaxe, and sparks flew. The men were silent,
their brains numb.
My
mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind:
I didn’t even know if she were still alive. I knew only one
thing—which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far
beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest
meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not she
is actually present, whether or not she is still alive at all, ceases
somehow to be of importance.
I
did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no means of finding
out (during all my prison life there was no outgoing or incoming
mail); but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for
me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts,
and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead,
I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that
knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental
conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as
satisfying. “Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as
strong as death.”